If you haven’t heard, here in Kanada we’re having a federal election on October 14.  Considering the crap-tacular voter turn outs of the last couple federal elections, I predict yet another minority government; the same thing we have now.  And I also predict that the Conservatives will barely (once again) lead the house in the number of seats they hold.  In fact, the only change I predict and a whole lotta angry conservative party supporters FINALLY realizing that perhaps the problems of ‘dysfunctional’ parliament are due to the Conservatives running it.   If a party talks about the importance of cooperation with the other parties and subsequently publishes manuals for it’s members about how to stall parliamentary committees when they feel it’s tactically advantageous…well, that doesn’t sound like cooperation.   And if they’re not cooperating, then clearly, they’ve been lying all this time.

Please electorate, try to not suffer from amnesia this time around.  REMEMBER these things!

Anyways…

Remember the Rhino party?  The party that existed simply to make a mockery of ALL the other parties in an attempt to draw some attention to election issues in general?  Well, I just noticed that there is a party calling itself the NeoRhinos.  And they don’t have an election platform.  Nay, they have a “happy-form.”  And it’s awesome.  My undecided vote (currently) may just wind up going towards them because, hey, I’m all about teaching grade school kids Quantum Physics and appointing Rick Mercer as Minister of Culture.

Being a parent is hard work and being single parent is even more so.  My daughter’s mom and I have been separated for going on two years now and figuring out what makes a good single-dad and how to ensure I’m doing it has been bumpy journey thus far.  I think that for the most part, I’m doing fairly well.   I don’t profess to be any sort of expert on the subject, I just want to share what I’ve picked up since shifting from the role of daddy to single-daddy two years ago.  My inspiration for this list comes from reading two well thought out list by  Leo of ZenHabits (on being a good dad) and and Vered (of MomGrind)writing on how to be the mom of mom’s.

My list will be broken up for the sake of avoiding my typical essay-length rants.

——————————————————————————————————–

Dad is just as important as Mom

An interesting post that can be found at BlogFathers speaks to the reluctance that both men and women share in leaving their children in the care of men.   It would seem that society as a whole has, let’s say, a ‘reluctance’ (at best) to believe that men and women are equal in this regard.   Men ‘tend’ to be more predatory?  Men ‘tend’ be less nurturing (therefore irrelevant) in care of children?  Whatever gross generalization is used to reinforce this sexist myth is irrelevant.  It is poisonous rhetoric that alienates men from being involved and nurturing caregivers instead of harsh disciplinarians whose most important role is to put bread on the table.   

In custody matters after a divorce, when a mom wants custody, it’s unsurprising but when a dad wants custody, lawyers shy away.  When I discovered this double-standard through my own experiences and kept getting subjected to it, there was a moment where I really started to doubt my belief that I am as necessary as a mother.   Thankfully, I got this non-sense out of my head.   If I hadn’t, I suspect that I would have started down the road of ‘deadbeat’ dad that flip flops between wanting to be involved in their child’s life and then disappearing off the face of the earth for months at a time because he feel like an outsider in what used to be ‘his’ family.   If you’re an involved-dad, kudos to you.  We are role-models to our children. We can bring home the bacon AND clean up the cuts-and-scrapes on our kids knees AND cook (however well) dinner.  We can attend school plays, shower praise on our kids when they do well and when they just need to hear it.    Single Moms AND Single Dads have been doing it for some time now and if society only wants to see the successes of the moms, that’s society’s problem, not ours.

Our children learn about men and what it means to be a man through watching, talking and listening to us.  If we do not teach them through example of what fathers are truly capable of, then we allow society and the media to do it instead.  And from what I’ve been seeing, they do a shitty job. 

I’ve written an awful lot over the last two years about the pain of a failed marriage, the cruel things that stbx has said and done to me and how all of this has made it increasingly difficult for me to be the father I want to be for my daughter.  What I haven’t really mentioned (perhaps as much as I should have) was the upside to all of this.

Upside?

Yes, the upside.

I am not the same person I was two years ago.   I haven’t become a completely different person, mind you, but I have grown in MANY ways as a result of my reaction to the whole ordeal.  By way of having my life turned upside down, I’ve gone through this 2 year (thus far) evaluation of myself and the world that I construct around me.   I have short falls just as everyone else does but I now have this innate desire to confront them.  It’s uncomfortable as hell, yes, but when I do manage to get through that, I discover things about myself that I absolutely love.

I moved into my parents basement after the split and cried my eyes out for months.  My life felt like it was over but I stopped myself from completely succumbing to that feeling in believing that my life was over.  I went to councilling, approached the often time painful ‘homework’ that was needed with complete honesty and dedication.  There were many times that I both wanted to never be with another woman again, immediately followed by wanting to make even the biggest male-slut jealous of my promiscuity.   But while I flip-flopped between those two extremes, I never gave into either.  I attempted a couple dates early on (even though I’m pretty sure those girls had no idea I was looking at it like that) because I knew I couldn’t hide forever.  And when some of those “dates” went well,  I held back when I realized I could probably get her into bed.  I knew that I had some ‘issues’ with partners and codependency that I had to discover on my own before I would be able to have sex with another woman and not watch myself spiral into an emotional wreck in the coming weeks.   And eventually, I did have sex again not because ‘it just happened’ but because the moment arrived and I just knew I was ready to go there.

I did an unbelievably fantastic job at nursing myself back to health.  Had it not been for my divorce, I don’t know if I’d ever have the chance to see that about myself.  And for that, I’m really thankful.

I am now in a relationship with a woman that I am completely in love with.  She’s intelligent yet humble, open-minded yet strong-willed, generous yet independent.  She’s also beautiful. The best part is that not only did I find her but she seems to think the world of me.  I don’t know if we will last ‘forever’ but I’m sure willing to try even if it means that I may suffer the pain of lost love if things do go bad.  I do not fear the ending of relationships like I once did and I suspect that this makes me a much better partner.  Life goes on with or without me and I’m finally willing to try and keep up.

And then there’s being a dad.  stbx (when she was still wife) mentioned one evening that ever since Daughter came along, I stopped being so angry.  She was right.  I fell in love with daughter the moment she came out of her mother.  I never really liked kids but now that I had one of my own, I experienced this almost debilitating love for the little womb-beast.  While I didn’t see it then, I realize now that it was this love that allowed all of the stupid anger I had about things that didn’t really matter drop away from my like a layer of unneeded skin.  Suddenly, my whole life became much simpler in that I now structured it around what I needed to be doing as a dad and not just Tom.  While it sucks that that wife, in the end, wasn’t interested in what it meant to be married, I don’t necessarily regret my choices.  As a result of them, I now have this wonderful daughter that I have had and will, to some extent, have the privilege of raising.  I am so very thankful for the opportunity.  If it wasn’t for my divorce, I question whether I would have ever realized this as much as I do now.

As strange as it may sound, being a single-dad seems to be making me into a better dad.  Being a parent on my own terms has really helped me to not take my role for granted.  I know that at any given time, stbx could completely go back on her commitments and yank Daughter away from me.  She’s the mother and I’m the father and lets not kid ourselves, while the failings of Family Law are debatable, it is not unimaginable for a father to lose access.  It’s already started to happen.  But nothing in life is black-and-white.   I notice when Daughter is with me, I really want to make the best of the time I have with her because I may not have the same chance again later.  I’m able to take her places that I want to take her (within reason), spend time with her the way I see fit, teach her things that I want to teach her and discipline her the way I feel necessary.  Throughout it all, I enjoy the successes of some choices and learn from the failure of other choices.  I didn’t have this freedom when I was still married to her mother.  Now I do.

So there you have it.  There are upsides to divorce.  Many of them.  And they’ve forced me to grow and challenge myself. While I’m far from finished and far from having the ‘perfect’ life, I wouldn’t trade the life I do have for anything else.